I’ve gotten a lot of one-on-one questions about this from BOTH
MEN AND WOMEN and I figured it was time to write about it. Before I write
another line though, it’s important that I say a few things and get some things
out of the way.
A. This
article is mainly for mature Christian single women. Mature. Christian. Women.
Why? Because Girls might get offended or not understand but a mature Christian
woman will probably get it and take the knowledge.
B. A
woman’s relationship status does not define her, so being single is not a
disease or an indication of something “wrong” with her. So this article is not
to list a bunch of reasons why you are at fault for not being married …as if
marriage was something you just bought at the store. I wouldn’t do that. I
respect and care about women’s issues more than there is space to write about
here. As a daughter of God, he is working out your story beautifully, so bask
in that. This is however, for Christian ladies who are ready for marriage but
frustrated that they can’t find the right guy even though there seems to be
options.
C. I
write this respectfully but I will write it as honestly as possible as a man
and as someone who knows a thing or two about relationships. I’ll tell you
probably like no one has told you before. So the tone may be a bit direct not
because I am brash but because I am writing to Women not girls and one thing I
know about women is that contrary to the opinion that they want you to beat
around the bush, when it comes to things that are really important, they want
you to tell them like it is. They would rather know now, shed a tear or two and
start working ASAP to move out, move up, move on or move forward so they don’t
waste more time doing the same thing and not getting the outcomes they want.
D. All
your single girlfriends AND male friends should read this.
So here we go. Why can’t our wonderful Christian sisters
find their Boaz, David or Joseph?
1. Many Christian ladies want a man that
“knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the
Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and
blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here
is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time
did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them. Just think about
it. All the way from Abraham …going to a land he did not know; Joseph having a
dream that people would bow down to him but became a slave and then a prisoner;
David who was anointed to be King and then lived the next 15 years in the
wilderness as a fugitive; Peter the great fisher of men who was barely able to
catch fish.
These men would have had a rough time finding a wife today.
Could you imagine?
Abraham calling sister Sarah aside after church and saying
“Errrmmm Sarah you know I love you right? Soooo God wants to take us somewhere
…but I have no idea where. Wanna marry me and come?”
David too. “Look baby…I really care about you and want to spend
the rest of my life taking care of you… In fact, I’ve just been anointed
King…buuutttt I’m kinda living in the bushes right now and on the run from the
King I’m supposed to replace.”
Or Joseph. “Look Jill, God has shown me many dreams that people
will bow down to me and I’ll be a great leader. But right now I wash dishes in
Potiphar’s house and I’m a slave boy there”
God’s men don’t “always” have a direction or know the details.
So stop looking for men who have it all figured out!
Here is the solution though…..here is the good news. Here is
what you SHOULD be looking for: Men who can be LED by God. (Rom 8:14)
Don’t look for a man who already has the best laid plans. Look for one who
knows how to follow directions from the best planner.
2. Many ladies approach relationships
from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”:Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least
amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want
to put themselves out there at all.
They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced
he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You
know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He
doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private
investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially
irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of
your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man
who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer
life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue
speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the
home”.
You’ve dated a bunch of losers that didn’t work out but he is no
good because he has had several failed relationships too? You want to see him
as he is but you cover yourself up in perfectly filtered Instagram pictures,
hair extensions, push up bras, makeup and layers of stuff that make it
impossible to see who you really are. You are lazy with not much follow-through
but you want a man who can stay up all night working on a project. If he put
that spotlight on you, would YOU make the cut?
In essence, many Christian ladies say they have faith but they
don’t. They say that God is their source but they are lying. They say that they
trust God’s will for their future but they are lying. They don’t. They put
their trust in a man. What kind of job he has/can get. How much he is making or
can make. They want to make sure he has the “ability to provide”. They want him
to have his life utterly figured out…
But I have met many great men who haven’t found the employment
they have the potential to get. I have met many others who were living it up
until the economy crashed. I have met some who had it all but God
insisted they give it up to go and further the gospel.
3. Many ladies forget that good Christian
men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those
spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for
those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your
possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time
management, hard work, follow-through and so on.
One of the first things we learn about Ruth for example, was her
work ethic. ( Ruth chapter 2). She knew how to pull her hair back, forget about
her nails, roll up her sleeves and get on the grind. She worked really hard and
even when she got the attention of the “well established guy with the sensitive
heart” she didn’t stop working. She took the break that he offered her and went
back to work.
That’s how you earn a man’s respect…when you can show him that
what he HAS does not define who you are.
Here is the icing on that cake. Just because Ruth could get down
and work, didn’t mean she couldn’t look pretty and tidy up (Ruth 3:3)
4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons.
5. Good Christian men know their worth
too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too.
Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship
seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are
realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives
and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the
surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that
a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.
They are praying more and they are realizing that while you
still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right
by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.
Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying
against Delilah as well.
6. Many Christian ladies have no
testimony with men: A few years ago, an older
friend (a number of years older than me) came up to me after a church program
and asked me about a lady in my church. Who she was and what she was like as a
person.
I didn’t stop talking for minutes. They were married about a
year later.
Same thing happened to Ruth. (Ruth Chapter 2 from Vs 3) Boaz
came back from a trip, saw Ruth and asked his Foreman “Who is that and who does
she belong to”, to which the foreman answered and gave a fantastic testimony of
her character. (See Boaz’s response in Vs 11)
Here is a secret ladies, you know how you like a guy and try to
keep it to yourself until your girlfriends force a confession out of you? We
guys don’t do that. The moment we think we are interested in you, we are
telling someone and we are asking around about you….and we are asking our MALE
friends/mentors. Because we know they will tell us like it is and of course
won’t spread it all around church and make things suddenly awkward or cause all
the sisters to start giving the dirty eye next Sunday. Bro code.
The truth is that even Christian ladies can be toxic sometimes
when it comes to how they treat men who they don’t consider a prospect. You
forget that when the real prospect comes and is interested in you, he will ask
other men…some who may never have approached you but who have watched you from
afar, and yes some who may have had an interest in you but you didn’t like. How
did you handle those situations? (You totally need to read that article link
above…especially the 2nd part
of that series)
7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs
31 Man: That’s not a typo. Pick up your Bible and read Proverbs 31 again
with fresh eyes… from the perspective of the character of that woman…and
you will see that those qualities are the ones that many women are looking for
in a man when they should be busy developing those qualities themselves.
Single Christian men are reading that passage looking for those
qualities in a woman, and women are putting that passage down and instead
looking for those qualities in a man.
8. Many Christian ladies want to be
married but they are not truly ready to be led: They
want to marry a boyfriend but not a husband. They want only a partner but not a
leader. They want an emotional prenup that things will always be 50:50. They
say they will concede authority to God himself but in their heart, they are not
willing to be led by his representative in the home. What I am about to say
next I say with the utmost respect to women.
Men were created to lead at home. Now, with that leadership
comes accountability to God meaning that God holds him accountable and will
punish him first for bad leadership. But a man cannot be accountable for a
woman he can’t lead….and a Christian man does not want to be over anything he
can’t be accountable to God about.
9. Many young married Christian women are
painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies
Many young married women are doing a major disservice to single
women. These young married women create a fairytale picture of weddings and
marriage to their single friends. They love being the center of attention and
talk up how dreamy it is. Perfect Instagram photos, perfect wedding photos,
expensive glamorous weddings, perfect Facebook updates, photos and so on. Is
there anything wrong with that? No. It would just help a lot more when married
young women keep it real with their sisters and tell them that the wedding day
does not make the marriage. It would help a whole lot more if they sit their
single friends down and talk about the importance of a praying wife, a strong
wife, a submissive wife (to a Godly man) and how contrary to popular
opinion, the faith of a wife is both a weapon for the family and its defense as
well. Instead, they get their single sisters all dreamy eyed and waiting for a
perfect story and a perfect man…waiting for KalEl from planet Krypton with the
big “S” on his chest and a red cape, when they should look at Clark Kent from
Planet earth.
Sisters, God has a beautiful story of love written for you. Am I
saying settle? No way. But I am saying look at these men through the eyes of
Christ. Get your pride out of the way. Don’t define your marital success by how
well your wedding day or “lifestyle” stacks up with other women. Most
importantly, start seeing yourself as a true (not just perceived) gift from God
that can bring God’s favor and blessings into your husband’s life because
that’s what you are. So work to BECOME that and I truly truly wish you a
love-filled, Christ centered happy marriage when it does happen.
So…start/join the conversation below. Which one of the points
resonated with you? Was it an eye opener? Were there any surprises on the list?
Any additional thoughts? Share those comments below.
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